Saturday, February 06, 2010

Fear And The Word, part 2

I had a wonderful conversation with a co-worker last night. We had both stayed late on a Friday night, which in hindsight is rather unusual. I was making up time and she was getting things organized for her vacation next week. As we walked back and forth in the office, each taking care of our business, I kept noticing that something just wasn't right with her. A well-meaning friend had cast judgment on her based on nothing but speculation and fear. We were led into a long discussion of our former backgrounds in fundamentalist Christian practice, discovering balanced law and gospel churches, the depravity of our souls and our wonderful gift of undeserved grace and of the true meaning of freedom in Christ. It was obvious to both of us that God had ordained that very moment at the copier where we suddenly were open to each other's state of being. And it wasn't just me somehow reassuring her through Christ's words; I was also healed and refreshed in a very unexpected way. I HATE mushy stuff like that, which made it all the more amazing! :)

Friday, February 05, 2010

Break over.

Break over. Time to start writing again. Writing is a funny thing. For years words can pour out like rain or tears and then there's suddenly nothing left to say. At least for a while. I am so thankful that I have this record of my thoughts as a I transitioned from a fundamentalist lifestyle to a grace-based lifestyle. Does anyone blog anymore? Do any of my old readers even check this blog any more. I'll find out, I guess. I spend a lot of time on Twitter because it suits me well. I follow several of the old Confessional Lutheran bloggers gang of 2004. I've also met some new Lutheran bloggers through Twitter. That's cool!

What have I been doing for the past couple of years? Mostly working for my dad, trying to keep a warm and loving home and dealing with the chronic pain God has chosen to allow in my life. Also, what has kept me from writing is the less-controllable later teen years. When my kids were younger teens, I did not feel uncomfortable detailing their experiences (always anonymously). Then the later teen years hit, life got less picture-perfect (for me anyway) and I no longer felt that I had a right to write anything about them. What is left to write when your children are everything about you? As I've made the transition from living 24/7 with my children to being there for them, as they need, while forging their adult lives, I can see now my ability and right to reclaim my writing for myself. I am no longer 100% my children. I am slowly learning how to be me again. It was sad, at first, but now I am seeing the light at the end of the transitional tunnel. My husband and I are beginning to remember that we really like each other and like being with each other. That's pretty cool, I think. What a huge blessing. So many of our dear friends have discovered the opposite and have separated. At least 50 to 75% of our hockey friends are now divorced, baseball less so. Don't know why. Thankfully, most are pretty civil toward each other and tolerate us remaining friendly with both "sides".

Pain is also a very difficult and distracting companion in my life. It robs me of my thoughts or at least bends my thoughts towards it. That sucks. I am so ready to be done defining my life by pain...and yet it is still with me. My leg rarely stops aching. I'm like the fictional Greg House, thankfully without the Vicodin. But I do live with my friend, Tramadol. He's a distant cousin of Vicodin...related by marriage. My lower back is recovering, but the compression on the nerve cannot, so far, be lifted. I am continuing to battle, but progress is slow. What needs to happen is that I keep swimming (literally, in a salt water pool), continue with massage and chiropractic, move around as much as I can without actually walking (that's a trick) and become very lean. I would like to lose 50 pounds, which would make me very lean, but would help greatly going forward.

Work is the other tricky thing in my life. I need to work, but I'd like to develop a different way to earn the income needed. I sit all day long and this only compounds my pain problem. My work situation is very toxic for my body, currently. On the other hand, I really enjoy working for my father, I love the sales environment and the customer service aspect of my job. And I really enjoy the people of this office! I need to evaluate what I am good at, what interests me and what is good for me.

I continue on at King of Grace and am thankful every day that I found that church! I still continue my good Baptist habit of taking sermon notes. I also still believe I am the only one who does that! Thankfully, I don't do it to "look good", cuz the opposite would be true at my church. I do actually review my notes each week, so there!